my journey of grace

the journey begins

June 10th 2002

Journal entry: I fear I will slip away from You altogether. I still feel like it is all about me. How can I get past this? How can I come to You and let You work through me? How do I find complete and total satisfaction and sufficiency in You? I find myself doubting that I am your child.

Sept. 15th 2002

Journal entry: Today I find myself contemplating how miserable I am, how I need to find satisfaction in Christ. Deut 30:20 says “I desire to love You/ I desire to listen to Your voice/ I desire to hold fast to You”, but do I desire?

I was raised in a Christian home, even a biblical home for the most part. I accepted Christ as a young child, probably seeking to please my very young mother. What child at five years old doesn’t want to go to heaven? I knew I did bad things. I knew hell was a bad place. I’m sure the decision was easy.

It’s too bad I don’t remember it.

Fast forward 25+years. The doubts are becoming overwhelming. Am I really a Christian? Why do I struggle with being consistant? Do I have any fruit of the Spirit? Do I love my God? Why can’t I seem to obey? Why am I miserable? When I wrote those journal entries five years ago, I hit my spiritual rock bottom. I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t having a crisis of faith.

I was apathetic.

Sept. 15th 2002

Journal entry continued: I want to desire to find satisfaction in You. I want to desire to listen to Your voice. Oh my God, teach me to desire You.

And desire began to grow in me. A desire to know my God. I shifted my focus off of my apathetic, sinful self and onto the holy, true God. I stopped staring at my many, many failures and looked to a loving, accepting Father. I realized that He could love me no more than He already does and no less than He already does.

That is when I found grace.

I had been working so hard to please God. A good Christian always reads the Bible, prays, serves, confesses, etc. I tried during the later half of those 25 years to do all those things. And I always failed miserably. I would pray, “Help me to do the things that You want me to do. ”

But grace teaches me that I don’t live for God, but I surrender and let God live through me. My prayer became, “I am abiding in You and You in me. Show Your glory through me in any way You desire.”

In the past 5 years, God has given me a passion, a zeal to know Him. I’ve been delighting in His presence. Prayer has become so real to me. Worship is a joyful choice.

Oh, I still mess up (it’s called the flesh). But God keeps peeling away the onion, layer by layer, ever faithful to complete a good work in me.




my journey of grace


6 thoughts on “my journey of grace

  1. Kelly! I’m so looking forward to this new undertaking of yours. I’m already hooked and I can’t wait to see where your “journey of grace” will lead.


  2. I am so thankful that we are on this journey together. What an encouragement you are to me. Thank you for sharing how God is working in your life as God uses that to convict me, thank you. It reminds me of a praise chorus by Paul Baloche (I think)

    But by your grace I could not be saved.
    But by your grace I would go my way.
    I’m forever grateful, that you have been faithful to me Lord.
    For your amazing grace.

  3. I am on the same journey too!! 🙂 I was the same way, until college. Northland really opened my eyes to resting in grace. Josh actually just preached a message last night to the teens about praising God, and how God commands us to delight in Him, and not just be scared of doing what we should. The song is reminds me of (you can tell we are a musical family) is the new Chris Tomlin song, Amazing Grace. Especially the chorus, talking about our response:

    My chains fell off, I’ve been set free.
    My God my Savior has ransomed me.
    And like a flood his mercy reigns,
    Unending love, amazing grace.

    I love you!!

  4. You have to hear the song Heather put down, I love that song as well. Jeff introduced it to our worship leader a few months ago. Powerful.

  5. Hey, Kelly —

    LOVE this! I’ve done one reading — after I FINALLY FIGURED THIS THING OUT! — and I’m hooked already!

    I can relate so well to your experiences — why does it seem to take those of us who grew up in Christian homes so long to truly understand the grace of God and that Father/child relationship? So much of that has come to light since my own kiddos have come along — through the depth and passion and selflessness of my own human, imperfect love and devotion to my boys. How much greater is our Father’s love and desire for us?! Unfathomable. Can you tell I’m in the middle of a Song of Solomon study?!

    Coincidentally, I had a snake in my basement on Sunday, too?! (Just a baby.) And, I don’t, by the way, live on a hundred acres! I’m in downtown Olathe, baby! My thought … where there is one baby snake … there’s usually a zillion more! Haven’t been in the basement since! Robert was home and handled it, thankfully — I’m not the pioneer woman you are, Kelly! But I’ll see your three-foot snake and raise you a woodpecker that keeps pecking holes in the side of my house! 18 trees in my back yard — but this guy feels the need to regularly perferate my home!?

    Bry’s feeling a little better — thanks for asking! — Susan

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