the journey begins
June 10th 2002
Journal entry: I fear I will slip away from You altogether. I still feel like it is all about me. How can I get past this? How can I come to You and let You work through me? How do I find complete and total satisfaction and sufficiency in You? I find myself doubting that I am your child.
Sept. 15th 2002
Journal entry: Today I find myself contemplating how miserable I am, how I need to find satisfaction in Christ. Deut 30:20 says “I desire to love You/ I desire to listen to Your voice/ I desire to hold fast to You”, but do I desire?
I was raised in a Christian home, even a biblical home for the most part. I accepted Christ as a young child, probably seeking to please my very young mother. What child at five years old doesn’t want to go to heaven? I knew I did bad things. I knew hell was a bad place. I’m sure the decision was easy.
It’s too bad I don’t remember it.
Fast forward 25+years. The doubts are becoming overwhelming. Am I really a Christian? Why do I struggle with being consistant? Do I have any fruit of the Spirit? Do I love my God? Why can’t I seem to obey? Why am I miserable? When I wrote those journal entries five years ago, I hit my spiritual rock bottom. I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t having a crisis of faith.
I was apathetic.
Sept. 15th 2002
Journal entry continued: I want to desire to find satisfaction in You. I want to desire to listen to Your voice. Oh my God, teach me to desire You.
And desire began to grow in me. A desire to know my God. I shifted my focus off of my apathetic, sinful self and onto the holy, true God. I stopped staring at my many, many failures and looked to a loving, accepting Father. I realized that He could love me no more than He already does and no less than He already does.
That is when I found grace.
I had been working so hard to please God. A good Christian always reads the Bible, prays, serves, confesses, etc. I tried during the later half of those 25 years to do all those things. And I always failed miserably. I would pray, “Help me to do the things that You want me to do. ”
But grace teaches me that I don’t live for God, but I surrender and let God live through me. My prayer became, “I am abiding in You and You in me. Show Your glory through me in any way You desire.”
In the past 5 years, God has given me a passion, a zeal to know Him. I’ve been delighting in His presence. Prayer has become so real to me. Worship is a joyful choice.
Oh, I still mess up (it’s called the flesh). But God keeps peeling away the onion, layer by layer, ever faithful to complete a good work in me.
my journey of grace