Closure and a New Beginning

Sweet Cleo.

She came to us from a family who couldn’t afford to care for her.  She belonged to us all, not choosing any favorite.  She was great with the kids, only occasionally chewing up one of their action heroes.  We loved her dearly.

She disappeared on New Year’s Eve day.

We found her body floating in the pond earlier this week.

Somehow, sometime during that day in January she plunged through the ice.   We never heard her bark for help.  And even though it breaks my heart, part of me is glad we didn’t hear her.  We have no boat, no raft, no way to have rescued her.  If a 20 pound dog fell through,  surely we could not have safely gotten to her.    I don’t want to think about it any more.

JD and I buried her near a small pine tree on our back fence row.  We shielded the boys from seeing her body, but answered their many questions about life, death, heaven, the goodness of God, the soveriegnty of God, decomposition of bodies, and so on.  They continue to have questions. I keep praying for wisdom so I can give honest, accurate, age-appropriate answers.

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Meet Lexi.

My mother-in-law brought Lexi home to our familiy from a wonderful breed-specific rescue, C and E Aussie Rescue.  She is an extremely loveable sheltie/border collie mix.  Her coat is soft and slightly fluffy, not nearly as full as a pure bred sheltie or border collie.    She is calm, gentle, and sweet, loving to the children. Several times I’ve found her curled up on Jeremiah’s blanket, next to him.   She loves to be on our laps, her head tucked up against our chin or neck as in the following picture with Jacob.

And then meet Anna.

Anna is an Aussie/cattle dog mix.  She’s a bit broader than Lexi, but not much taller, making her around 40 lbs.  She has the most beautiful amber-colored eyes. She is an attention hog who is jealous of any attention not directed at her.  She loves to swim in the pond, romp with our retriever Sam, and chew on bones.  She is especially attached to me, and I must admit, I am especially attached to her.  I already love that dog.

And then there is our most beloved Sam.

This is the happiest Sam has been since we lost Cleo. He moped. He slept. He refused to go outside.  But he is happy once again.

And so are we.

In light of the current economic crisis . . .

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Valentine’s Day

Around our house, Valentine’s Day is not a big holiday. By the time it rolls around, it seems as if I have just fully recovered from Christmas. Usually I bake a rich red velvet cake with a delicious icing that starts out like white gravy, but this year I settled on an easy, heart-shaped giant cookie. In fact, it is so easy to make, I put my 8 year-old son on the job while I fiddled with my camera.

I found the pan at Target for a whopping $6, clearanced 50% to $3. Can’t beat that . . . that is unless I went back tomorrow when all the V-day stuff is 75% off.

Now I’m gonna share with you a recipe I’ve been perfecting for a few months. It is has quickly become the favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe in the house.

Start with butter. Real butter. When I make actual cookies, I use half butter, half margarine to keep the cookies from spreading too much. But in my lovely heart pan I don’t have to worry about it, so stick with butter! Pour in your sugars. Cream. No tricks here, I’m sure you all know how to make chocolate chip cookies.

Now add your egg. . . farm fresh please. Oh wait, I used up all my farm fresh eggs, and my supplier (LEIGH!!) has more demand than chickens. So add your plain old, store bought egg. Then add the vanilla. And yes, I use real vanilla. Mix some more.

Next comes fresh-ground-whole-wheat-flour, baking soda, and salt. Don’t reach for white flour. Don’t do it! Fresh-ground-whole-wheat-flour is so much better for you. It has so much more flavor. It tastes nothing like store-bought-sit-on-the-shelf-wheat-flour. I’m saving up for my own grain mill. Until then I grind and buy my flour from Hy-Vee.

Mix again.

Next comes two special ingredients. What do you think this is?

Any guesses?

Instant Coffee. Don’t stress if you don’t like coffee, even if you hate coffee. Your cookies will not taste like coffee. However, they will be richer, yummier, more flaverful. Try it. You’ll like it.

Next add ground flax seed meal. Really. It has a nutty flavor, and is full of all those healthy omega-3 oils. I add ground flax to just about all my baked goods. I’m hooked. I buy mine as the flax seed and then grind it using my magic bullet. A coffee grinder would work too!

Now your ready to add the chips and press it into your pan. I traced the heart pan on parchment paper, then cut out the heart, and lined the pan with it. If you are not using parchment paper with cookies and cakes, please do. Clean up is a snap and it makes your cakes/bar cookies slide out of the pan.

By this time, Jonah has joined in to help.

Finally bake for 12-15 minutes at 350 degrees.

While baking, take pictures of baby.

Once you pull your cookie out of the oven, let it cool, in the pan for about 10 minutes. Then ever-so-carefully, take it out of the pan. I helped at this point, placing a cookie sheet over the top of the pan, flipping it all over together, pulling the pan and parchment paper off (the heart is face-side down on the cookie sheet still), putting the cooling rack against the bottom the cookie, and flipping again. VOILA!

Now cool completely. Usually I stop here, but since it’s Valentine’s Day, I’m going all out. But, I lost my helpers, so I quit taking pictures.

Make an icing using peanut butter (natural, of course!), butter, cream cheese, and powdered sugar. Spread over cookie. FINALLY, I used red-colored choc. pieces from Wilton to drizzle across. Did you know about these? You melt them in a little bag, snip the corner of the bag off, then drizzle away.

Whole Wheat Chocolate Chip Cookies
1/2 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup white sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1 1/2 cup fresh ground, whole wheat flour
1/4 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. instant coffee, heaping
1 Tbsp. flax meal
1 cup choc. chip

Icing:
8 oz cream cheese, softened
2 Tbsp natural peanut butter
1 Tbsp butter
2 cups powdered sugar
Cream first 3 ingredients, then add powdered sugar.

Enjoy!

a very belated birth story

I find myself stunned at how quickly these  months has passed. Have I really let my blog sit for so long?  I think about this blog most days, only to have no energy or motivation to share when I finally have time to write.  I’ve got all sorts of ideas spinning in my head. Stories. Recipes. Struggles. Questions.  So to ease myself back into blogging (I can hardly believe I had weeks where I posted every single day.) I want to tell you of Jeremiah’s birth.

Some of you may have read of my desire to have a intervention-free birth here.  I am thrilled to report that I the birth of Jeremiah went exactly as I wanted!

Around 1 a.m. on October 12th, my water broke,  waking me from my sleep.  Fortunately for me (and JD),  I did not have a mess of fluid in our bed, but on the carpet when I stood up.  Jolted from deep sleep, I remember standing there stunned.  Jeremiah was coming on his due date.   Those of you who have had labor start the same way can recall the heart-pounding feeling of knowing that real contractions are imminent.   I woke JD, whose groggy response was, “I knew we were going to have a baby today because you were over-the-top emotional”.  He’s not exaggerating. I had been a mess the day before.  Next I called my dear friend and doula Jill, waking her as well.  Then I showered and finished packing my bag.  And then I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

You get the point. I was expecting contractions, but having none.  JD went back to bed. I walked around the family room, but went back to bed around 5 a.m.

8 a.m.  By now I am having sporadic contractions, fixing the boys breakfast, helping them get ready for church and delaying calling my midwife. I had done a lot of research, so I knew that once your water breaks, the clock is ticking and most health providers want that baby born in under 24 hours.  In case my labor was going to start very slowly, I didn’t want to head to the hospital until something was really starting to happen.  However, I was over-rided by my husband and midwife (once I called her). They were both concerned that things would go very, very fast once labor was going.   Turns out they were right!

9:30 a.m. I have now checked into the hospital, mocha latte in hand–which the nurse made me throw away, but I chugged it down quickly–and am hooked up to all those monitors.  The nurse reports that I am 5 cm dilated.  That was the best news I had heard in a while! I still wasn’t really even contracting much! For the next few hours I walked in my room, down the halls, and around the ward.  The contractions were getting stronger, but were easy to manage. During my last 40 minutes of walking, my midwife urged my to do squats during my contractions.    When I started to feel a bit more uncomfortable, Jill put pressure on my lower backs and hips.  It helped.

12:30 p.m. (or so . . . time had no meaning at this point)  Finally steady, strong contractions! They were not overwhelming me at all.  I was actually surprised at how easy it was for me to breath through them.   My midwife suggests that I spend 40 minutes in the tub, to help me with transition.  I LOVED the tub.  It was warm and soothing.  The bouyancy removed some of my aches and pains.  The first 40 minutes in the tub were still fairly easy.   My midwife checks me again, reporting that I am a ‘good 7cm dilated’.   The next 20-30 minutes were the toughest as I experienced my first, non-medicated transition.  As each contraction hit, I vividly remember making a huge effort to stay relaxed.  Jill was a tremendous help at this time.  She sat at the edge of the tub, speaking in a soothing voice, “Relax your forehead, relax your eyebrows, relax you mouth and jaw”.   We teased JD later because after one contraction I opened my eyes and thought he was about to fall asleep.  He found Jill’s voice soothing too!  All of a sudden I knew the baby was coming. Jill pulled the nurse cord, and the bathroom was immediately filled with people.  They helped me out of the tub and back to the bed–those few steps were so hard.  I really thought the baby was coming out.   Once on the bed, I had a few pushes and Jeremiah arrived, very bruised, but absolutely beautiful.   There had been no time to break the bed down.

It was a beautiful experience. It was so different from my first three.  Jeremiah was so much more alert and responsive.  I really could see a difference in how much easier it was to feed him.  Plus, I did feel a stronger connection with him.   I wrote in an email later that week:

As for a natural birth, I wish I would have done the others natural as well. I wouldn’t say that I feel empowered or an emotional high . . . but you know me, my emotions don’t really swing a lot.  What I would say is that I do feel a stronger connection with Miah. I feel like he is MINE.  I birthed him. I suckled him.  Part of it is probably knowing that he is my last, part of it going through the birthing process. I absolutely loved holding him and nursing him immediately after delivery, instead of waiting 30 minutes or so.  I loved how alert he was . . . there really was a huge difference between him and the other three.

What would I do differently? Not much. I would use Jill more, I think.  I really wasn’t too uncomfortable until transition hit, so I thinking I was waiting to use her bag of tricks when I really needed them.  I’m guess I should be glad that I really didn’t need them too much.

I was surprised at how easy my contractions were.  But pushing was harder and more painful than I expected. I was trying to follow my midwife’s advice and push gentlier, with control.  I tore a bit anyway. Is that too much information?

Time for some campaignin’

If you haven’t seen this clip, it is quite funny! It pokes fun at both sides equally!

Meet Jeremiah

Jeremiah Dean

Born October 12, 2008 at 2:16 p.m.

9 lbs, 4 oz and 20.5″ long

The baby is coming! The baby is coming!

It is 2:28 a.m.

My water broke at 1 a.m. , waking me from a sound sleep.

I am having contractions every 10 minutes or so.

I’m showered and packed. I’ll be headed to the hospital soon!

I’ll be home Monday (hopefully) and let you know about our newest little one then!

coming into the home stretch

I find myself daily, no hourly,  obsessing over this coming baby.  Two weeks.  Two. Weeks.

Was that a contraction I felt?

Ouch, the baby’s head is settled in a not so comfortable place.

When did I get cankles? (you  know, no noticeable difference between my calf and ankle.)

I listened to my paster speak on worship in the church, but was I in a worshipful attitude? Nope. I was kicking my flip flops off and on, looking at my puffy feet.

The novelty of pregnancy wore off a long, long time ago.  I just want to get on with mothering.  This fourth time around I have been ridiculously impatient.  Part of that stems from knowing that each day that goes passes, my not-so-little baby has more time to pack on the baby fat.  Just because I delivered one ten pounder, doesn’t mean I want to do that again!

I’ve missed blogging.  I’ve had all sorts of things to say, but just couldn’t find the time or energy to put those thoughts into words. Plus, sitting at my computer too long causes those ankles to swell and I hate feeling all that fluid in my calves, ankles and feet.  By the time I’ve checked my email, goole reader, and facebook, paid my bills, and read some news, it’s time to get away from my desk.  Hopefully after baby arrives, I can get back into the swing of blogging . . .

seven more weeks:a belated update of my pregnancy

I find myself staring at the calendar and counting the weeks . . . and starting to panic. SEVEN.MORE.WEEKS.

Seven more weeks until we meet baby boy.  This little frog is quite active.  He reminds me of Jacob, who still bounces in and out of the room.  Every night as I read in my chair, he kicks and punches.   The others boys love watching my giant belly move.  It actually freaks Jesse out!

Seven more weeks of waddling. I’m officially waddling. I’m rolling off the couch. I sitting with my fat, fat ankles elevated.  I’m getting out of bed because my hips hurt or I gotta pee.

Seven more weeks of weight gain.  I’m past my goal weight. Oh well.  I shouldn’t gain much more . . . I’m too miserable to eat.  My clothes still fit, and I can still wear my wedding band.

Seven more weeks until life completely changes.  I have this list of things I want to do before baby comes.  Most things on the list are simple, completely selfish things.  I know that come October, I won’t be going anywhere for quite some time. When I have a baby, I become a homebody.  I just hate dragging all that stuff everywhere.  Buckle in . . .buckle out.  Whoops, I forgot to put clean burpies (or diapers) in the diaper bag! It is just not worth it to me! I am truly happy at home, but I know how much things are really going to change.

Seven more weeks to get the room ready. That’s our Labor Day weekend project.   Actually, I’m pretty close.  We’ve got to take down the bunk bed and put up the crib.  I need to pull the clothes, blankets, breast pump, etc out and give all a good washing.

Seven more weeks.

Who ever came up with the phrase “lazy summer days”???

Breathe.

Breathe again.

One more time.

Forgive me please for my uncharacteristic break in blogging. Summer has found me on high speed . . . add to that being pregnant, and any free time has been dedicated to resting, reading, or anything that requires no additional thinking or planning!

My summer took off slowly with days interrupted by two weeks of swimming lessons.  Jacob is definitely part dolphin and easily passed level 4 in early June.   As we finished off swim lessons, my BIL Cory had minor surgery, so I had my two nieces, ages 20 months and 8, for a couple of days.  On the end of their stay, my youngest sis was induced with her second, so I added Caleb, age 3, to the mix.  That’s right . . . I actually had 6 kids to keep track of for a while. WHEW!.

The day Caleb went home, our dearest friends from TX arrived.  There’s my best friend Lesa, and her kids age 17, 14, and 11.  This week was absolutely crazy, but at least came with built in babysitters!  While we had all that extra help, we decided to start moving rooms around to make a space for little JD to the fourth.  AND it just turns out that the handyman had us scheduled for that week to renovate our playroom into a bedroom for the boys.  So we spent the week with 4 guests, a handyman continually making a mess, an electrician rewiring the lights, and moving all the school supplies, craft supplies, bedroom furniture, etc.  AND Missie decided to paint the new schoolroom and let Lesa hang the border.  We also squeezed a trip to Liberty Memorial and WWI musuem, a trip to Cedar Cove (more on that later), and some shopping.   When they headed home 9 days later, I collapsed in my chair, cried, and didn’t even make it to church that day!

The next week found Missie and I finishing the details of the great room swap.  I spent to day just reorganizing all the things that I didn’t have time to put away.  Jacob turned 8 that week, and we celebrated with a few of his friends at Chuckie Cheese and Dairy Queen.  Note that I was too tired to fix anything, but he was thrilled with that! The week ended with our annual 4th of July party.  We had about 20 family members over to celebrate Jacob’s and JD’s birthdays,  swim, plus watch the fireworks.  We have a great view of the local show from our yard,  and we enjoy not fighting the crowd.

Let’s see . . . the next week I tried to take a breather.  In June I purchased a mixer that can make 6 loaves of bread at once!  So I experimented with breads that week.  I made some yummy pizza crusts,  a cinnamon raison bread, and a bunch of cookies.    I swam A LOT.  I read the greatest book, In Defense of Food (I can’t wait to discuss it with you, Jill),  I worked in my chicken coop (yes, I’m still getting chicks, but I’m going to wait until spring), I weeded my plants, and started drawing out my garden.

Last week was VBS.  This was the first VBS I have worked on in a very, very, very, long time.  My role was simply the pianist, but I ended up playing with a teen girl on the guitar.  I had never played with a guitar before and she had never played with a piano, so it took a few practice sessions for us to get the hang of it.   By the Friday evening program, it went great.  I really did enjoy it, and I didn’t even get nervous, which is a huge step for me.

Now for this week.  I just got back from a whirlwind trip to Silver Dollar City with my MIL, SIL, and our kids.  Can you believe I am even typing this?  This is my third day without a nap!!!!  We had so much fun.  I love watching my children enjoy things like this.  During the summer, SDC has the kids fest, so the entire park is geared to kids.  It was Jesse’s first trip, and he was so in awe, he was speachless.   I would ask him if he like something and he would just nod or shake his head.  But now that we are home, he hasn’t stopped talking.  To top it off, when we got home tonight, JD gave me my birthday present early.  He got me a Canon Rebel Digital SLR with zoom lens and flash.  AHHHHH!  I’ve been wanting one for over a year! I can’t wait to learn to use it before our little one comes.

Speaking of little one, all is well with my pregnancy.  I am resting, but I think I have more energy than other pregnancies at this stage.  Maybe all that exercising and healthy eating paying off.  My weight gain is fine, and so is my blood pressure.  I definitely am feeling the aches and pains of 4 pregnancies, but nothing unbearable.  No swelling really, although my ring is a bit tight.

Jacob is off to summer camp next week, his first.  I was a bit reluctant to send him, but he convinced me.  Plus, it is our church that puts the camp on, so I know all that adults and teens involved.  The camper to counselor ratio is 2 to 1!  There are only 55 campers going with 50 support staff.  How’s that for keeping track of those elementary students.  Still, it will be a quiet week around here; Jacob’s never been away that long.  Plus, I’ll have to do his chores!

August is pretty slow, except for a week at the lake.  But really, all I do there is swim, eat, read, boat, and swim some more, so the most work is all the packing.  JD has said he is going to take off that week and go with us, and I am really looking forward to it.

Wow. If you’ve read all this, I’m amazed.  I can’t hardly think anymore, and I am dying to open my camera! I’ll put some pictures up soon, if I can figure that thing out!